Diary of a Nerd King #2: Episode 1 - Karate, Bears, and Looking Like a Girl

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We know that magic's real, no matter what anybody says. The Injuns believed it. Ev: Magic spirits. You have to keep your wits about you when you go there.

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And, Hilly, never, never go there alone. NC: You know, my grandpa told me a story like that, too. He also ate sandpaper and called himself Vanessa, but I still believed him. We first see Sheriff Ruth Merrill leading a group of kids, one of them being Hilly's young brother Davey, on a tour around the police station.

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NC voiceover : And seeing how this is a Stephen King story, we cut to one of the other umpteen gazillion characters. Sheriff Ruth: shows the kids a jail cell with an actual inmate inside This…this is where we have our cells, and we put in all the people who break the law in here. NC: as Ruth That man over there used to molest little children just like you. Go ahead, touch him. Ruth: to the children Okay, come on in here. This is the best part. She leads the children into the schoolroom You see, when I was a little girl, my parents used to travel a lot.

Ruth: Oh, yes, they are my hobby. NC voiceover : And suddenly, this character got disturbing and uncomfortable. NC voiceover : This is beyond a creepy hobby. This is just unnerving! Does your work allow that? NC 1: as a supervisor in just a white shirt Ryan, um…I was wondering if it was at all possible for you to, um….

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He turns to speaks to one of the dolls What do you think, Roger? NC voiceover : Eh, to be fair, that does look more realistic than the Jaws 3 shark. A brief clip of the shark from Jaws 3D is shown. All alone. Just you and me. Beat All right. Bye, Davey. NC voiceover : What kind of cop is this?! Does she not know how creepy this looks?!

Cut to a post office with a phone ringing and a sexy female post office worker named Nancy Voss doing her makeup. NC voiceover : We then cut to a steamy post office where you can clearly see a red flag always stays up around here.

Deputy Becka Paulson: calls from the police station Oh, Joe, come on. Will you tell her Nancy for me that Becka Paulson likes her husband home for dinner? Joe: while leaning in close to kiss Nancy Yeah, honey, I will. Honey, I will.


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I gotta go now. He puts down the phone to kiss Nancy on the lips. Joe: Am I ready? Is that your question? Am I ready? NC voiceover : We then cut to our writer named Bobbi, who stumbles across something very odd in her backyard. While out with her dog Petey, Bobbi finds what looks like a man-made metal object, but after trying to pick it up with one hand through the inside, she gets a shock and retracts her hand away. Petey proceeds to dig at the object, and a small green light appears, zapping Petey on the nose before he howls at the sky. An alcoholic? NC voiceover : So Smits is upset because he feels his alcoholism is keeping him from writing any new work, and he often talks about it with Bobbi, as apparently, they used to be an item.

But she currently has her own problems, like how her dog is acting strange after getting zapped by that radioactive muffler. After a visit from the veterinarian, Bobbi takes Petey out into the waiting room, and all the pets in the room start to act crazy. I mean, a parakeet is one thing, but an owl? A cobra? A fucking komodo dragon? What the hell?! NC voiceover : So Smits gets in front of a crowd and reads to an awaiting public. He reads specifically to the ethnicities of Maine—who seem to take up these three seats right here—and the people applaud with delight. However, speaks as a rich snob not everybody is amused.

Patricia McCardle: I pay you to read new poetry, not old stuff. Always were, always will be. Jim: to Patricia, now drunk Shall we maybe go upstairs or just give everybody a treat and do it right here on the rug, huh? Jim: sees a waitress walk by with a tray with two wine glasses Excuse me. He takes one of the glasses.

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I never heard of such an odd combination! In his drunken stupor, Jim takes out a black umbrella from an umbrella holder and uses it as a weapon against another man named Ted fighting him. Jim: to Ted Is that all you can say, Mr. Power Man? You nuking S. Cut to him standing at a window If you remember nothing else in this world, remember this: God hates a coward. The clip of Jim falling out the window is shown again, this time with the Goofy yell added in before we see him land on the ground.

NC voiceover : He wakes up on a beach after a drunken rampage and is picked up by Officer Blagojevich, who takes him back home. Davey approaches the closet that is glowing with green light, opens it, and a figure with glowing yellow fingertips spooks him.

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NC voiceover; as the figure : Zuul, motherfuck — Davey slams the closet door in fright Ow! Son of a bitch. Just put your delicious brains back to sleep.

You know, Maine is sick. Do you know that, Maine? Cut to the backyard of the Paulson residence with Joe heading off on a trip and Becka quickly stepping out the back door after him. NC voiceover : So we see the cheating postman out again, as his wife—Deputy Olive Oyl—reminds him that he forgot his sandwiches. Cheating on your wife is one thing, but throwing her sandwiches out the window?

Not only does she fix the plumbing in the house, but she also manages to take the water heater apart and fix that, too. Bobbi: I have no idea how I got the water heater to…work. I just…knew as I was doing it, everything seemed clear as a bell. Hilly, Olive Oyl Becka , and even the Post Ho all seem to be freaking geniuses now, which might not be good news for Mr. Adulterer Joe.


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  • Joe: What kind of a dim bulb question is that anyway? Standing up, he looks around as though looking for his keys. Joe: How dare you ask me that question? You got it? Joe: But-but-but-but! See, I never wanna hear that word again. And but is for the small-minded people in this small-minded town.

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